We were conversing about current events in one of our usual phone calls. Somehow I naively thought news worthy items a safe basis for conversational exchange. I tend to be a news junkie and have found that too much news on line, through T V, or in the paper can have repetitious content that brings me down so I am trying to curb my appetite. During our conversation I mentioned how I had been using the Olympics to escape the general negatively found in today's daily news. The conversation turned to the news events that permeate everyone's daily life...the economy, lack of job opportunities, the earth quake in Haiti, the grid lock in government that slows down compromise, the toyota recall, etc. After I hung up the phone I realized there are no "safe topics" because our son's military exposure has permeated every view he holds of life.

His car failed when he drove back from base over the holiday vacation which forced him to buy a new one. He wanted a truck, but could only afford a toyota four door. This occurred before the brake problem became news worthy. When recall hit the news I called him with an 800 number to contact. His response was, "Mom, I know you mean well, but I have chosen a dangerous profession and that is the least of my worries." In other words thanks, but no thanks. Later he called back to apologize for being so direct. He is getting his brakes fixed this weekend and I have learned to back off.

Then there was the time we talked about Haiti. Several of the armed services were sent to help after the earth quake. Our son's colleagues and friends were among them. All were eager to go and proud to be of service. For them, I was told, it was a welcome relief from war. I related the story of a Massachusetts college student caught in the quake whose body remained under rubble for weeks before it was brought back from Haiti to the United States for burial. Our son's response: "Death is a way of life here, I spoke with someone today who is on call 24/7. He just had to relate four deaths in his unit to the families involved. It is something we don't like, but we have to deal with it." After this statement my mind flashed back to a conversation I had with another service mother who told me the story of her son who was assigned to fly coffins back from Iraq. She asked him how he coped. He responded, "Its my job and I have to do it."

There was the time I was with our son and his girl friend in the library when he was home on leave. As we walked by a magazine rack, he picked up a magazine whose cover had United States servicemen fighting in Afghanistan and featured their weapons. It was the gun that caught his eye. He pointed to it and said a colleague of his who returned from Afghanistan related a story to him about the sound of those guns. Apparently the Afghan soldiers they were assigned to train tease American troops by imitating the sound of the gun's projectile behind their backs when there is no incoming fire. It makes the American soldiers angry. Our son and I are learning that in the world of war, there are few current events that don't conjure up some powerful association that needs to be dealt with. The common ground is different for each of us and I must accept that to maintain ongoing, open dialogue and learn to listen.

My husband and I went to Krzysztof Wodickzko's exhibit "...Out of Here: The Veteran's Project" at Boston's Institute of Contemporary Art this past weekend. It is on through March 28, 2010. I wanted to go because Wodiczko has been working with veterans from the Iraq and Afghanistan wars to put it together and I hoped that it would give me a different kind of insight and understanding than I could get from books, memoirs, or news clips. It succeed.

The center piece of the exhibit is what first appears to be a large, dark, vacant room with a series of windows projected on the upper quarter of three, tall, blank walls. On these windows visuals are projected that tell a story. Since the wall itself is so tall, well above your head, you never get to see what actually happens. Instead you stand and listen to a soundtrack while a story unfolds. All this forces you to imagine what is going on behind the wall. To accomplish this Wodickzko provides glimpses of a helicopter silhouette through one window and images of broken glass and a soccer ball hitting out side the room you stand in. The sound track and silhouettes suggest just enough to let you imagine an ambush occurring on the other side of the wall. As the title implies soldiers are attempting to evacuate one of their own. While the story line unfolded I found myself becoming alternately hyper vigilant, jumpy, and jarred as I experienced conversation in a foreign language interspersed with sounds, some loud others sad, coming from seemingly nowhere. Before I knew it an IED had exploded. I tried to anticipate what might be happening next to protect myself. The soundtrack gave me hints: "Back me up." "Soldier down." "That kids hit." When I looked around the room viewers hugged the entry wall which had no windows. Most stayed for one repetition of the sound track and then left. I stayed for three and stood in the middle of the room from the second repetition on. This was the only way I could possibly understand what our son would experience and I did not want to miss it. When I looked at the floor there were three pennies on the ground near my feet. Had they fallen out of someone's pocket when they took their hands out in fright, or were they gently placed there in remembrance of the fallen? I wondered. The exhibit was certainly intense and powerful enough to warrant either. The whole experience was 8-10 minutes in length.

Afterward my husband and I went directly to the museum cafe to have some tea and talk. The exhibit had left us with a sense of realism and we needed to process it's more haunting aspects. There would be no taking in other exhibits on that particular day. They would have to wait. "Out of Here...the Veteran's Project" positioned me to comprehend the feelings behind Post Traumatic Stress better than any news clip, article or book on the subject I have ever read or seen. I would recommend it to anyone one who has a loved one serving in the military, but go with a supportive friend and take time to process it afterward. Our talk down wasn't enough for me. I had to go for a long run when I got home to let it go. The experience that came closest to this for both my husband and I was the landing simulation in the new Marine Museum at Quantico, Virginia, but that dealt with past history. This forces you to deal with current events.

Thanksgiving is two weeks away and I have been baking for over a month! Part of it is I am what our son calls "type A" organized, but it's more. I am truly thankful for his presence at the family table this year. That's not to say we have taken him for granted past years, rather it means I don't know where he will be next Thanksgiving. He may be deployed. We have two sons, but I am comfortable projecting that our son who is not in the military will be home with us next Thanksgiving. After all every holiday card, every television advertisement speaks to family togetherness and being "home for the holidays". We are lucky we will have that this holiday season. Like so many military families with loved ones at war, reality is creeping in and I am anticipating a new way of life... the holidays without a complete family. There are some things I just didn't expect when he joined. This is one of them.

Last year a friend of mine who has a son in Iraq told me about the free Holiday Hallmark e cards you could send troops. I sent as many as Hallmark would allow. I remember stories my father, a WW II veteran, told about his favorite aunt who kept her Christmas tree up for him until he came home. By that time it had no needles and was a fire hazard but he was able to see the ornaments and recognize her thoughtful effort. It makes me wonder how other military families with loved ones serving abroad have modified their holiday traditions. I heard about one mother who put up an American flag in her front yard the day her son left for Iraq and didn't take it down until he came home. Another wears a Marine pin so people will recognize what it symbolizes and ask her about it. I wonder what I will do when our son leaves. I keep my house and car keys on a military lanyard I wear around my neck year round. It hangs close to my heart and is in my pocketbook for safe keeping when not in use. Our family always says a heartfelt grace at every holiday dinner. It ends with "Bless those who are with us and those who are not." That is an old tradition that will carry new meaning once our son has deployed. It will be of comfort to know it is a custom he is familiar with and may well be saying to himself on his own. Somehow we each find our way to deal with the holidays. What will be yours?

We usually phone our son one or two times a week. The day of the Fort Hood rampage that killed 13 and wounded 29 we called twice in one day.While the news reports shocked the greater world beyond the Fort Hood military installation that it's soldiers call home, the whole truth was not yet known. Our son is not based out of Fort Hood. But as the family member of a serviceman on active duty you worry and wonder if more than one base has been assaulted. As it turned out he didn't even know about the incident until we called him. His base was not in lock down and his worries were about paying off school loans and new car tires.

Phew, he was safe; but I couldn't help but think of the military personnel on their first, second, third and fourth tours waiting in the Soldier Readiness Center or going about normal life at Fort Hood. No one expects to be attacked on base. Base is home turf. And no one carries guns uless they are practicing maneuvers. Something had gone terribly wrong. But what? The full truth has taken hours, even days, possibly weeks to surface.

While the media was still focusing on Major Nidal Malik Hasan, the 39 year old shooting suspect, and what made him do it; the military ws focusing on readiness, getting results and moving on. It was clear to me that when one or more of their own is murdered or harmed, the military shows respect then they move forward. It is who they are. They do not make policy decisions. They fight wars. Post Traumatic Stress is there but so is the need to protect the country. It can be challenging and difficult as a family member on the home front to fully assimilate that fact. But neither the soldier of his/her family member is given that choice. Deployment is the reality you live with. It is something you bear.

It happens more than you like...the death of our Massachusetts service men and women in Afghanistan and Iraq. Every service family member knows their loved one is in harms way. The politicians call them heroes and reflect on how difficult it is to make condolence calls to the families. Families who must live with the emptiness forever.

October 2009 has been the deadliest month in Afghanistan to date. One of those deaths happened last evening to a pilot from North Attleborough. Regardless of the circumstance, death is a risk those who serve take. You know the family they left behind even if you never met them because you are among their ranks. So you stop what you are doing, have a moment of silence and plan to look for the story in the morning paper. This news report made me think of the service men currently serving in Afghanistan...friends of our son. You understand it could happen to any of them. Your husband notices the impact on you and asks, "Are you OK?". You answer "Yes" but are aware, in a deep yet outwardly strange and subtle way, how differently you look at life now. Thanksgiving is coming soon. Your son is coming home. Where will he be next Thanksgiving? You don't yet know if he will get leave this Christmas.

You think of the care your son took to reorganize his room before he left for duty and know exactly where on his bulletin board he placed the memorial card for a close friend ...after all you walk by it most days as you proceed with normal life tasks. It was left in remembrance of a fellow service man he respected. For him, I supposed, a bond of brotherhood. You recall the impact this death had on him at the time and know he feels as deeply about his service to country as you do about yours as his mother. You do all this in silence. It changes your day, but not as much as the life time of days remaining for the family who lost their son permanently. You do this because your son/daughter has chosen service to country as a privilege. The memory of other wars, other losses, lives on and you think how little has changed knowing others have served and sacrificed before.

You wonder where the announcement of the North Attleborough Marine's death will be in the morning paper. It turns up on the first page of the Metro Section. Nothing has been said between you and your husband, but before you have settled the morning routine and are able to read it, you find him focused on the page with his first cup of morning coffee. The two of you discuss the details. You talk about self selection, about how some people self select to serve their country and you think "May God make safety their companion."

Family Life

This blog chronicles life as a family member with a loved one who is serving our country during the Iraq and Afghanistan wars. It invites others in parallel situations to react by sharing feelings and emotions which surface as a result of experiencing isolation from those they care about. The hope is that by reaching out and supporting each other we can form a network that includes the troops we know and love. We may be part of different branches within the military, but we share common joys, hopes, and fears. We can only benefit from the clarity that comes from others with more experience, the chance to recognize we are not alone, and the opportunity to give and receive reinforcement from people in similar situations.

These days I find myself reading every article I can get my hands on that speaks about the families of American men and women serving our country. Whether it announces the deployment of a son/daughter and says, “Getting in touch with other military moms is going to be a necessary part of my life,” or invites the reader to sound off about how parents cope with the news of their sons/daughters enlistment. Our son has not yet deployed, but I jumped at the chance to write this blog when I thought about the spouses, mothers, fathers, siblings, girlfriends, and boyfriends, both blue and gold star, determined to make their love for their military family member work.

Our son made the decision to join the Marines two years ago. No one in our family saw this coming. None of us have military backgrounds or leanings. But when he joined, we joined with him. When friends question his decision I answer: “We have always raised him to think for himself, and he enjoys what he is doing. It is where he wants to be.” In my era “draft” was a dirty word. All the young men and women in today’s service are there because they choose to be. These days our front door proudly displays a yellow ribbon and our car a Marine sticker.

I observe Americans’ reactions to the Afghanistan and Iraq wars differently since our son joined the military. Sometimes it feels like people have lost sight of the troops who serve. I am a mother who follows the nightly news closely. Some of us cope that way. Others don’t. Perhaps this will change when our son deploys. I am told it will.

Regardless of how we cope as individuals, the war doesn’t seem to exist for some Americans. For instance, I went to Staples to purchase a skype set for our son the other day so we can communicate by computer and see one another. While there I asked the manager if they gave military discounts. The answer was “ no”. Tears welled up in my eyes and I replied, “You mean the soldiers on active duty don’t get priority if they want to see and speak to absent family members? That no one cares?” That is when I realized I was on a steep learning curve. I never expected to advocate and educate my fellow Americans this way; guess I will have to write skype and see what can be done. That’s what a friend of mine did when she attended family day at her son’s Basic School and participated in ground maneuvers shooting her son’s gun and eating from his rations. Dessert was stale M& M’s. She

was fed up and wrote Hershey a polite letter asking why they gave the troops that protect our country stale M & M’s. It worked. She got a letter of acknowledgement back from Hershey and they sent a large shipment of fresh M & M’s to her son’s base. I tried this with Winter Holiday decorations last year when our son wanted help sending ornaments, Christmas trees, Menorahs and dreidels to a colleague serving in Afghanistan so troops could experience a taste of home while away from family for the holidays. I’m sorry to say that did not work. Building 19 had no interest in helping me with one, small package of holiday cheer for the troops. So I purchased items out of my own pocket and sent them. The commander involved sent me a heart felt thank you note once he returned state side and had the time.

I find myself getting defensive about the American flag. My husband and I were on the Cape for Labor Day. We went to the beach after sunset. There was an American flag flying above a public boardwalk, but it was not illuminated. If you don’t take it down at sunset the American flag should be illuminated. There are patriots who display flat flags with the blue field on the right. Every Boy Scout knows the blue field is hung on the left.

Another mother of a fellow service member down the street from us also has a yellow ribbon displayed in prominent view year round. One day she said, “Wouldn’t it be nice if everyone on the street displayed a yellow ribbon?” I knew that wouldn’t happen and it never did. But, everyday when my husband and I go for a walk I salute her yellow ribbon and when it fell down in a windstorm and she didn’t know it I retrieved it and retied it for her. I know she would do the same for me. After all she cried in my arms the day her son deployed to Iraq. At the time I said to her,” I understand.” She answered, “I know you do.” That is all that needed to be said. That simple exchange made both our days a little easier. Yes, how I view our country has changed since our son joined the Marines.

I have much to learn from other families with loved ones serving in the armed services and am eager to grow from any response this blog creates. Let’s reinforce one another and share helpful insights. It might just make things easier all around.

Thank you

Mother of a Marine

Welcome

Welcome to the OIF/OEF Veterans of Massachusetts Family Support Blog. We want to create a place for veteran family members to express their ideas, concerns, and joy with others. We intend to increase the communication between organizations to help build support for our veterans and the families that support them. I have listed a few organizations below that could be of some interest, please read through the information below and contact us with any questions. Please visit our website www.OIFOEF.org or contact me directly at KIsaksen@oifoef.org with any questions.

Thank you for all your support and sacrifice,

K.Isaksen

SOFAR Organization: Strategic Outreach to Families of All Reservists is a pro bono, mental health project that provides free psychological support, psychotherapy, psycho-education and prevention services to extended family of Reserve and National Guard deployed during the Global War on Terrorism from time of alert through the period of reunion and reintegration. www.sofarusa.org

Give an Hour is a non-profit organization dedicated to providing free mental health services to military personnel and their families. Those who receive services and care from Give an Hour will then be given the opportunity to give back to their own communities. For more information you may visit: www.giveanhour.org

Operation Comfort is a nationwide network of mental health providers and agencies whose sole purpose is to provide emotional and psychological support, free of charge, to military families who have loved ones serving in the Middle East. For more information you may visit: www.operationcomfort.com

Military Family Support Groups:

Operation Troop Support

Danvers, MA

3^rd Thursday/Month @ 7:00 p.m.

Contact: Richard and Christine Moody 978-774-5983

www.troopsupportusa.com

Family Support Group of Concord, MA

Concord, MA

3^rd Tuesday/Month @ 7:00 p.m.

Contact: Jake/Kathleen Zagata

MILFAMILYSG@aol.com

Family Support Group of Billerica, MA

St. Theresa’s Parish Billerica, MA

1^st Tuesday/Month @ 7:00

Contact: Karen Stocker (978) 667-9312

Falmouth Military Family Support Group

Gus Canty Community Center Falmouth, MA

Every Monday @ 7:00 p.m.

Contact: Carol Kenney 508-457-2567

Veterans Education Project Military Family Support Group

Amherst, MA

Twice/Month

Contact: Susanne Leary (413) 253-4947

Hearts Apart – Support Group for Family Members of Deployed Soldiers

Hanscom Air Force Base

Once/Month – Dates vary

Contact: MSgt Donald Gonsalves (781) 377-4222

Massachusetts National Guard

Family Readiness Programs

8 Family Assistance Centers throughout Massachusetts

888-301-3103

Helpfull websites:

OIF/OEF Veterans of Massachusetts www.oifoef.org

Blue Star Families http://bluestarfam.org/drupal/

Gold Star Mothers http://www.goldstarmoms.com/

Massachusetts Soldiers Legacy Fund http://www.mslfund.org/

Massachusetts Department of Veteran Services www.mass.gov/veterans